THE MAGICAL BOOTS

Once upon a time in a world so cruel that even the mighty dragons were feared nothing more than a deer or a cow lived a huge evil giant who jealously treasured his magical boots.
The magical boots had a special power. Whoever owned them could get across great distances with one step, in a few steps the owner could arrive anywhere in the world or even space wherever his heart desired.
The vicious giant, which guarded the boots, was a creature of immense strength and great size. He resembled a skyscraper. The only thing on his strange wooden face, a big red eye, glowed in such evil way that caused fear, but it was with reason. If the giant opened wide his red volcanic eye, it would light brighter and a second after a ray of fire would torch anything in its line of sight. The legend said that the giant was a blind, peaceful and spiritually based creature when Devil made him a gift, an eye, worked out of a fireball from the deepest hole in Hell, and the giant turned evil.
Throughout the years Giant spent his time sitting on the top of the hills terrorizing anything that would pass under the hills and every time he felt hungry he would go south to the nearby villages and there he would take his big tail in his hands and swinging and hitting with it killed and plundered throughout the villages until he had enough food to satisfy his hunger--------------------------------------------------

- ..but hey, how can that be his tail, sure its dredging behind him but..

- SECURITY!!!!!!!-

- ..it is attached to his body from the wrong side. It looks more like a..
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh THUD!!

- I apologize for this interruption, some people really don’t understand art, I am really sorry and very certain it won’t happen again so please enjoy the rest of my amazing tail…uh..tale ---------------------------------------------------

As the time passed some of the villagers tried to escape the tyranny of the giant but it was almost impossible to avoid certain death. If you wanted to run there were only two ways to do it, one was to run to the woods in the north, but you had to pass the hills guarded by the giant, the other way was to the east, across the Black River. Whenever someone tried to cross The Black River a great storm would arise and the river would engulf the poor traveler. To the south and to the west spread the swamp and the land of the hideous Mrogl. The Mrogl hated people and those who entered their land in a hope of escape surely did not live long enough to see them dine.
The villagers gave up all hope of ever being free of the horrible, terrible, sidvicious giant so they lived in resignation. Everyday they fed the horrible, terrible, sidvicious beast and as long as he was sated his tail stomped no one. Feeding the giant people lived in starvation and every now and then there wasn't enough food to feed the giant, then the giant would go to the nearest village and plunder it.
Sure, there were some tries to oppose the giant but the giant would simply open wide his big red eye and a death ray would destroy all of those who stood stupidly in its way. Others would be stomped.
...and a frightening sentence would reap through the sky choking up the shrieks:

"All resistance is futile, you will be stomped!"

In the village beside the Black River lived a young man called Eldone. Eldone was a rather tall man with big black eyes and short black hair which was erected vertically from his head like he was electrocuted but only in that time there was no electricity. He was known as a cheerful and optimistic person with a smile that covered most of his face. Although very optimistic he was a doubtful person, uncertain in himself. Everyday he worked in his father's mill dreaming of a bright future for him and his village, but with the sunset he would start to grow restless...and finally after the Sun set to sleep and the Moon mildly illuminated the ground the young man would rush out of the mill to his favorite place on the coast of the river.

There he would listen to the beautiful tune that floated in the air. The sweet poem that made his heart burn in fire was gentle and pure, like divine star that shined high above the sky. That magnificent but lonely and sad song which rode the angel's wings across the river hypnotized all life and made even the Gods cry. While the song lasted birds discontinued singing, dogs stopped barking and the people remained speechless, the whole countryside would silence. The beautiful voice that sang that sad almost magical song belonged to princess Golena. She was imprisoned in the fortress of witch Fantiosa who envied the princess's eseseseseses great beauty.

Day after day, after day, after day, Eldone listened the princess's song and one day a thought crossed his mind like a thirsty camel that crosses the far desert to come to the juicy, life full oasis and it caused his spine to tremble and shiver like a virgin's pubic hair that trembles under the knights tongue smooth as a...., well anyway, he wanted to liberate the princess but he wasn't sure of himself, he was uncertain ‘cause it was his sorry, pitiful, lame life that was on grass and he didn't like risking his ass. As the time passed and the princess's song became sadder and sadder almost like Sade and he beer after beer, after beer, became less and less worried about the consequences. One day he woke up...still with a mighty headache..

“Consequences schmonsequences as long as she’s rich!!”

He became confident that the princess should be liberated and that no one, I mean no one smart, will do it except he does. Desire of success grew in his heart (not only his heart) so one day he said goodbye to everyone in the village, took some drink and food to have on his voyage and saddled his trusty ass Vilteo. Vilteo was a strange donkey, it had a mind of it's own and seemed fragile like it was made out of crystal, you could even see the poor donkey's pointy ribs. Although the donkey looked old and weary it bravely accompanied Eldone as if it knew what great task they were undertaking.

Eldone saw many brave man lose life trying to cross the Black River so he decided to go north and look for the great wizard Antiok who might help him. Antiok lived beyond the hills guarded by the giant so the path to the wizard was extremely dangerous. They were on their way and moving through the plains beneath the hills when Vilteo started behaving nervous. Suddenly Vilteo started running towards bushes and Eldone followed. Finally when the donkey stopped Eldone noticed an old man lying on the ground; he seemed to be hurt. He rushed to help the man...
"Are you all right?"- he asked while taking the old man in his arms

"Water, water!"- the old man cried out in pain obviously exaggerating

Eldone gave him a zip from his flask and the old man started singing:
(in a singing voice)
"My name is Chombooooooo and I come from the court of my master, the great wizard Antiok. You must be Eldone, he anticipates you. He sent me to show you the way, the way to the wizard of Oz, I mean Antiok's castle... / Here take this map, it will show you the way through the hills and you will avoid the horrible, terrible, sidvicious beast as well and..and if you come across the strange fountain with even a stranger name “The Poisoned well”...Don't drink!! It's a trap.. from the witch...
...It.. killed.. m...arghhhhh..."

All of a sudden a woman dressed in rags with her hair all messy and BLAH appeared from nowhere and screamed:

-“OH, my God, they killed Kenny!!!”

-"Bastards!!!…..Kenny??! Who the fu** is Kenny?!" (Eldone)

After burying the old man Eldone continued on his way to save the princess and destroy the evil (bitc...I mean) witch. The days passed and finally Eldone arrived in front of the great castle of wizard Antiok. It was a large white structure rising high above the clouds, as he approached the castle bridge lowered and young man entered...
Inside of the castle was no one, there was no people, no buildings just what seemed to be a laboratory of some sort... suddenly a bright light appeared and a strangely dressed man showed himself.

The man talked in a weird accent…

- "Well here you are brave lad, Jolly good!!! I am the great wizard Antiok! I've been awaiting you, many days...I've got something that will help. It's a sword! I sto..too..a generous bank official gave it to me but...Beware!! It's a special sword, made by fairies centuries ago to help fight evil forces."

- I don’t want nothing from “fairies”! – young man replied

- Not “fairies”..fairies.. nymphs!

- Aaah nymphs! I like nymphs!

- It is said that the sword works only in the hands of the chosen...
Keep it well… Classy stuff!...here...(passes him the sword)

Eldone took the sword in his hands but there was no blade only the handle...and he asked the great wizard: ..."But it is broken? There is no blade?"
The wizard smiled and answered: "Ah brave lad... Did I mention that the sword is in fact a light saber and to make it work you must push that Big! Red! Button! on the handle...and one more thing to cross the Black River you must defeat the giant and take his Magical boots…and just one more thing you mustn’t forget.. I’ll be back!"

After saying those words the wizard disappeared in the same strange light from which he appeared a few moments ago. Few seconds after there was no light, no laboratory, no castle...
...Eldone was standing on a beautiful meadow; it was just like the castle never existed...The young boy stood there on the meadow confused, not really sure what happened. Before continuing his travel Eldone decided to try out the sword, firmly he pressed the button and from nowhere a lightning struck the handle...Eldone looked at the sword truly amazed for the lightning was now a part of the sword and it seemed as the lightning danced on the top of the handle, moving the sword through the air it made a buzzing sound...pressing the button once more the lightning was gone.
Now it was time to face the giant and the young boy was on the way towards the mountain where the giant usually rested.

Moving through the woods a week cry reached his ear; slowly he neared the grassy spot and gently exposed the source of the sad cry. A tiny cute creature was lying under the grass weeping. Eldone softly took it on his palm; its tiny body was trembling from crying and cold but still Eldone could feel its warm heart beating on his palm.
He asked: "What is it lil one? Why are you crying?"

The poor thing answered: "buhuuuuu…huuuu.. My name is Amila and I’m supposed to be a fairy but I’m not..buhuuuhuuu…"

- Let me get this right you are a “fairy” and you are not a “fairy” …well either you are a “fairy” or you aren’t a “fairy”?!

- buh…buhuu.. I guess I am but I’m a lot smaller than other fairy’s and I can’t fly...

- Get off my palm you “fairy”!!! (throws the fairy from his palm) Size doesn’t matter, a “fairy” is a “fairy!!!… roll another so you too can fly and don’t go near me you, you “queer”!

- but.. but I’m not a “queer” I’m a fairy, I have magical powers.."

- Sure you do…magical powers? Is that how you call it these days, Magical powers!? you, you “magic fairy”!

- but I’m not a “fairy” why don’t you trust me?

- oh so you’re not a “fairy” anymore and I should trust you? Yeah right dr. Jeckyll and the moment I turn my back on you its Mr. Hyde riding on my ass sticking me “das stück”"

- what do you mean, your donkey?!

- Leave my donkey out of this you, you "fairy" !

- but you mentioned it first..

- I did no such thing so back away, stay clear of my donkey you, you "fairy" !

- but..but... you... "riding on my ass sticking me.."...

- how dare you ! I certainly will not !

- but..but..

- Go away “fairy”!" (takes the fairy in his hands)…(throws the fairy)

…and then…

- Oh I can fly I can fly thank you if there is anything I can ever do for you just call…

- Damn… you are a fairy fairy …

Eldone said bye to the fairy and continued..

It was morning and the sun was slightly peeking from the horizon making its shy presence on the ground. Everything was quiet as the fight, which was going to take place was foreseen. The giant was by the Black River rolling and turning in his own filth devouring the rests of the food villagers brought him when Eldone came right under him and yelled:

“Come here you nogooddirtylowdowntailsuckinsonofabitch!!!!!”

Eldone knew he was too week to fight the monster in a direct combat so he had a cunning plan... even when he was a little boy he could hear people talking about giants enormous tail and he knew it was the giants disadvantage..

Eldone ran one way and Vilteo ran the other way round the giant, which tried to stomp them with his tail and torch them with his eye.They ran round him and the giant furiously slammed with his tail left and right unsuccessfully trying to hit the two pests. Eldone laughed at the giant which obviously irritated swinged his tail from left to right like it was a club missing Eldone who crouched and the giant fell tripping over his own tail. The giant got up angry as an old spinster troubled by bunch of kids having fun in front of her lonely window, and he put his leg in front of Vilteo cutting of his path.. Eldone screamed: Vilteo!!! Noooooooooooooo!!! But it was too late… Vilteo was stomped; he was nothing more but a posted picture on the ground.
Again that same ragged and BLAH woman appeared screaming:

“Oh my God, they killed Barbie!!”

- Bastards!!…..Nooo.... not Barbie why her, innocent sweet Barbie she never harmed a soul.... but hey wasn’t it Kenny??!" (Eldone)

- Ah sorry... Oh my God, they killed Ken !! ...or was it Kenny!!

- Whatever... Bastards!! (Eldone)

The giant now used his chance and cornered Eldone who lost his concentration for a moment…the young man stood there waiting for the end… the giant was too tired to stomp Eldone with his tail so he opened wide his red eye and that was it…the young man quickly pulled out the saber and reflected the giants flame ray which hit the giants tail grilling it.

In a second giant turned red and yelped: “Ugh…unga!!” and he jumped into the Black River to cool down his tail. When the giant fell into the river, water extinguished his evil volcanic eye and the giant unable to swim started drowning…Eldone pitied on the poor giant who wasn’t to blame ‘cause he turned evil and Eldone cried out for the fairy to help the giant…

Fairy Amila instantly appeared…and the giant was saved from the jaws of death. Although the giant was saved his tail took permanent damage and most of it had to be cut off. Later the villagers gathered lured by the scent of grill that spread throughout the land. It was a pity letting all that juicy, delicious meat go to waste so they had a celebration…and it was that day the whole land was finally sated.

Without the red eye giant was now once more a simple peaceful creature and he thanked Eldone:
-"Me Buato, you Buato friend. Buato was bad, Buato good now...
If Buato help, Buato happy!"

-"You could help by borrowing me The Magical boots so I can cross the river and save the imprisoned princess."

-"Buato help!" (gives Eldone the Magical boots)

Finally Eldone was in possession of the Magical boots which will enable him to cross the river and save the princess. Putting on the boots Eldone noticed an inscription carved on the boots. It said: “The ultimate experience” so he asked the giant what did it mean. Buato started explaining: “It funny story…”

Hours, days, weeks later the story was over but in the short version…

The boots were made by a great shoemaker who made them especially for the giant which helped him get rid of the evil Mrogl who ate his customers and the lack of customers was destroying the shoemakers business. The giant made them retreat into the swamp by kicking them with his oversized feet so the shoemaker often joked how the giant kicked them “into the void”. The shoemaker was especially impressed by the size of the giants feet, that was for him something to talk about to his grandchildren and he referred to his meeting with the giant as “The Ultimate experience”. In that way he created The Magical boots to be an equivalent to his "Ultimate experience".

The next day Eldone crossed the river and by the time he found the witches castle it was already night, a calm quiet night without a sound in the air and the sky without the stars as if they moved to a nicer place, but the moon seemed bigger like a wide opened eye curiously starring at the earth awaiting some interesting adventure to take place.

Eldone was by the castle when a terrible laugh interrupted the ideality of the night. It was a cold and terrifying laugh, which made the whole Eldone’s body tremble with fear like a virgins pubic hair when a... aaahhh hell you know how. Few seconds after a silhouette was nearing passing by the moon. It was the witch. You could see that this was no ordinary witch as she rode on a full automatic Kirby vacuum cleaner, besides that she was extremely beautiful and she paralyzed Eldone with her "insidious magic" and while she prepared to perform "The final blow” princess’s sad song reached young man’s ears. He pulled out his saber pressed the button and a lightning struck the handle…He exclaimed: ”Good luck Mr. Gorsky!” and swung the saber at the witch, which hit by the lightning melted in nothingness

---------------------------------
Wow! It hit her on the forehead and bounced of it! You can’t see this in any Swedish action movie! I think she’s dead!! yeah sure he called it “The Saber”!!
-YOU!! AGAIN?? SECURITY!!!
-no! NO!!!!!!! I’ll do it myself! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahh THUD!
---------------------------------

Having defeated the witch Eldone ran to the tower in which the princess was held imprisoned. He opened the door of the cell and there she was looking through the window in all of her beauty, her hair dancing in the air and her body sparkling with joy…for she had been freed…

And then she turned towards him uncovering her face…that horrifying revoltingly ugly face…

-"OH meinGott, he screamed MY ass, your face.. Can’t see the difference.."

..and then he bolted out through the nearest exit paniclly trying to elude the end…
…so he ran and ran on his Magical boots over the mountains, across the rivers into the sunset and even much further, he ran into the void…

…and he was finally happy for he had been freed…

…oh so you didn’t like the ending did ya!!?

Well ok we could make an exception for all of you romantic souls and write an alternate ending (help me..i’m not doing this on my own… they are threatening me… help!.. I want my mommy… please don’t let me die!!)

...the witch was ugly…Blah-blah… and there she was looking through the window in all of her beauty, her hair dancing in the air and her body sparkling with joy…as she turned towards him her perfect face glowed happily in dimness while her eyes gently bloomed. Eldone neared to embrace the princess when the land gave birth to the morning sun and as the first rays of sunlight touched the princess’s smooth body she slowly faded away in the light...

...so you’re one of those who don’t like sad endings and had cried for hours watching The Titanic. Hm…that reminds me of my bro ? (just kidding he’s a real macho, a muscle mass, a real man’s man, the leader of the pack!?) (…and still he cried ?)
…anyway I have just the right ending for ya

Eldone neared to embrace.. Blah- blah.. They kissed ..Blah-blah-blah...and they lived happily ever after!

…hate this Hollywood crap!

Goodies:

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass <copy> your face <paste>!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass a compliment to your face!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass your face vice versa!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass stolen by your face!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass, a mirror image to your face!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass your face.. Delirium?!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass badly copied by your face!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass, your face. Twins!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass deserves better than your face!!

Oh mein Gott, he screamed My ass doesn’t like this kind of jokes!!

Above are only a few examples of the possible sentences that Eldone could have said in the end of the story, if you can think of a better one please send it on my e-mail adress of course it has to have the same form…

Thanks to: ALL!!! especially J.B. for being himself and my bro for being helpful and a very special hello to those “hinter gitters”!!!

My Bro – the logistics expert (don’t try to figure this one out, I know!!)

J.B. – my close friend and also the present owner of the magical boots, his identity is being kept secret for his protection. You can’t imagine how many people would like to take possession of ...

THE MAGICAL BOOTS

...and as for me...I'm still a goddamned loser, sad as a duck, zero points!

...but hey...

I have a cunning plan!!! ;)